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This post is from me as a single guy about to turn 40 next week. Forget the industry insider, forget the consulting, forget the years of experience with online dating, it’s time to get my rant on.
I just spent the last two hours on Match.com. Updating my profile, changing photos, emailing people, returning winks and cleaning out my inbox and Favorites. This is what happens when you bookmark too many people, much better to email immediately, or forget about them. Pretty soon you are drowning in possibilities, and start to delete people because their pictures are too dark, or not revealing enough, or you hate that they dressed their lapdog Mr. Bumbles up like a pumpkin.
It’s absolutely true, there are something like 10% of men on dating sites and we do ALL the work. Women hardly ever email men, and dating sites are doing NOTHING to change that. Why is that? Forget human nature, let’s even up the workload here.
Winks should basically be outlawed on sites like Match. If a man winks at a women, she NEVER writes back. Take the time to send an email or get outta my inbox is the common thinking. But if a woman winks at a guy on Match, it’s all hands on deck, get out the dictionary, get witty and prepare a compliment, we have a live on on the line!
On OKCupid, winks seem to be bi-directionally accepted, interesting how it’s different on every site. OkCupid people are much more my speed, but also weirder, it’s a tradeoff.
I tried talking to a few women on PlentyOfFish, that didn’t last long. It was like talking to the wall. I am not going to perform any character assassinations but wow, talk about many millions of women I have absolutely zero in common with. It’s 2008, at least let us choose a better layout and colors.
Online dating is like using a search engine. We all just want a Google. How many search engines do you use?
I didn’t go to any more dating sites. Where am I gonna go, Yahoo!? As much as I love Y! Personals, most of the women are on Match, so why bother?
Niche sites? There isn’t a niche for me. Gays, blacks, asians and jews have it made. Me, I got nothing.
I have another 25 women to email on Match, and it’s supposed to be my day off. I need an intern or a form letter. But I can’t do that. Every email I send is painstakingly crafted in response to what the woman has written in their profile. Jesus, it’s exhausting.
God forbid she is stunning, because then you need to work overtime at catching her eye with your prose. She’s received 10 emails before yours, from men much better looking, richer and actually own property (or desperately want kids, like next week). The outlook gets pretty grim, but you give it a shot, because you never know, maybe she likes quirky renters and just doesn’t know it.
I went on two dates this weekend from OKCupid. Nice women but no chemistry. I cannot wait until people can put up videos of themselves, trying to judge someone’s personality from what they write is a pain in the ass. Anyone who writes “I’m just as comfortable in jeans..” gets deleted. If that’s all you can come up with, you have no chance with me.
Same goes if you mention trust, compassion or any one of the trigger words that mean “the last guy I dated was a jerk, you better not be.”
Yeah yeah, I know, that’s why eHarmony and compatibility testing is so good. But for me, it’s all about energy and charisma, which I find difficult to judge from most profiles.
There should be a profile field where you can tell your favorite jokes. I think that says a lot more about people than most dating sites scientifically-driven testing systems.
Matching chemistry and long-term compatibility is incredibly difficult. It’s painfully obvious that a lot of people who work in the dating industry are married. They are totally out of the loop and forget what it’s like to be single. time for some fresh, single perspectives.
Over the weekend I played Wii tennis at a house party, went to trivia night, went for a run, had two dates and saw David Sedaris at Symphony Hall. My life is full and invigorating when I step away from the keyboard. Yesterday’s date actually said I was overqualified for online dating, sigh. And yet, here I am. Maybe I’ll buy a billboard like that guy did in Australia, there has got to be an easier way.
I love it right here in Boston and don’t feel the need to go on and on about how important traveling is. We’re all going to be just as miserable after a week in Sardinia, what’s with all the “I love to travel more than anything” statements. Go look at a woman’s profile on Match and find me one that doesn’t mention traveling. Told you, practically impossible. Someone who understands this stuff, feel free to chime in.
It’s depressing to read a great profile and see a pretty face, only to find out they are friends of those Wasilla Mavericks.
I take everyone for coffee now. No more first date $100 dinners. I want dating sites to take out more of the guesswork, but they just can’t be trusted, yet.
Scenario: You call someone up, talk to them for a bit, then realizing it not working? What is the protocol for hanging up and not taking things to the next level? Calling E-Cyrano!
Sometimes I think we rely to heaving on online dating. I need to get back to basics. I live down the street from the oldest bar in America. I am going there tonight and I’m going to walk up to women I don’t know and initiate conversations and I’m not coming home until I get a phone number. It’s going to be a long night.
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I think you’re up in boston, but you should try to make your way down to NYC on Nov. 18th. Hit me off of your blog to discuss some more.
We’ve been experimenting with new ways to address the problems you’re mentioning here and I would love to get your feedback.
Tobin
“Yeah yeah, I know, that’s why eHarmony and compatibility testing is so good. But for me, it’s all about energy and charisma, which I find difficult to judge from most profiles.”
When you write, “energy” and “charisma” could be other ways to call a “combination of personality traits”.
You are saying in other words,
all you need is ……….. to contact predictable women.
It is all about ………….. personality* similarity*!
I hope I can launch *LIFEPROJECT METHOD before your 50th Birthday.
Kindest Regards,
Fernando Ardenghi.
Buenos Aires.
Argentina.
ardenghifer@gmail.com
You call, I come running. Seriously.
For the first time, I’ve put ALL of my online dating tips into one place – a 6 1/2 hour audio series that I’ve just created and will be launching in a few weeks. Give me a call and I’ll send you a copy.
Online dating is flawed, to be sure, but it the best we’ve got. The question is how to make it work for you. Hopefully, you’ll agree that I’ve got a few useful answers…
Warmest wishes,
Evan
Your comment about video profiles is interesting – we’ve just rolled this out to sites on the WLD network and the next challenge is getting people to record a video profile, it’s actually bloody intimidating to do, will be quite a challenge!!
In terms of success, it does work (I met my partner on one of our sites) :) but a good place to start is chatting with people who are online – rather than searching for members who are offline, focus on those who can respond to a message immediately. That’s where most of our member communication is initiated, on the Who’s-Online page.
Let us know if you got lucky!!
Ross
Ross, after watching the Red Sox get creamed, I didn’t even make it to the bar, I need a re-do.
Video is practically impossible to get people to record, but I agree it is useful.
I somewhat disagree with chatting with who is online. I want people I am compatible with, I don’t care if they are online or off.
Your recent post (rant) describes what we hear from disenchanted singles who are tired with online dating. You mentioned getting back to basics … try a traditional matchmaker! A complimentary membership is waiting for you … just shoot me an email.
Terry
International Dating Ventures
Mind you, I never got far. I always felt like a fish out of water.
I had a woman once “prophesy” to me. She runs a local TV prayer ministry. I was acting all ornery, being my usual obnoxious self. She was getting upset at my antics (I was clueless, of course, about how I was being perceived).
All of a sudden, she looked me straight in the eye and said, “It will take a special woman to be with you, and even then, it will be hard for her”.
I figured out the secret – I stopped looking and focussed on other things, and voila – along came Polly:) (Remember the Tao of Steve?)
Well, you’ve met my wife, Polly, and I think you’d agreee I did pretty well for myself (I met her via a woman who had contacted me on a dating site prior to me starting ChristianCafe.com, who then introduced me to Polly a year later).
Polly said to me recently, “How come people come up to you all the time and say how lucky you are to have me, but it never happens the other way around?”
Keep your chin up, Dave. Methinks you and I have a lot in common – and you definitely need a special woman – but when it happens, you’ll feel like the luckiest man on earth – “She was made just for me”, you’ll say:)
This website can be useful for you. If you plan to have a relationship, here is a online dating network and long therm relationships – loveofyourlifeonline.com
They provide free sign ups, personal profiles, no credit card required, alse send e-mails and messages to members.
You Can register here: http://www.loveofyourlifeonline.com
The love that brings a woman a man together is known as the third level of love. This level is among the strongest of them all. This kind of love has brought together kingdoms into nations in the past, and ended many great wars. It’s is also for the love of a woman that has started a few of our well-known wars, like the Trojan Wars of ancient times. This kind of love has brought together families that have argued for years and years, such as in the Shakespearean play, Romeo and Juliet. Even though the two mentioned made a big mistake in the end, it still brought their families together.
What is love? I don’t know, but I’ll do what I can to express it to my son, my wife, my family and friends, and to every single person that I have or ever will love to in the best possible way that I can.
http://a-dating.eu/
But I found the solution. The best sites for me are the ones for RICH people. Actually you dont have to be a millionaire for those site and people are CLEAN and Beautiful…at least thats a great start compare to the other ones.
The big mistake that every guys are making on the web is that they are hunting for hours looking at each pictures… the brain goes crazy,,,imagine meeting that many women in a public place in one hour…. its like a sexual lobotomy you become numb after 15 minutes.
My key success (if I can call it like it) is to focus on your profile and pictures…you put everything you got there. Be as natural as you can and make it beutifull not too sexy but jusrt enough and wait. Let them come to you. The other way around you are simply chasing women that don’t even know after two days why on hearth they got a site on match or any other site.
Sincerely,
Simon