Yahoo! Personals Delves into the Optimistic Mindset of Today’s Singles and Single Parents.
When asked about how they perceive themselves in relation to their married friends.
- 88 percent of all singles surveyed say they are just as, if not more, happy;
- 81 percent feel they are just as, or more, successful in their career;
- 72 percent feel they are just as, or more, financially secure;
- 84 percent say they are just as, or more, open to new experiences; and
- 78 percent feel that they are just as, or more, physically fit
Bruce Willis is the most admired single parent. I stopped reading right there.
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There’s nothing intrinsic to being single or married that dictates happiness or unhappiness. There are plenty of people who are single and miserable, and there are plenty of people who are married and miserable. Just because a study finds that singles are happier on average does not mean the cause is obvious or necessary.
The main reason over 50% of marriages are miserable is not because marriage is inherently a miserable institution. It’s because people are morons and get married for the wrong reasons largely because they misunderstand what marriage and relationships in general are.
Myth #1: Marriage/a relationship is necessary in order to be happy.
Wrong! Neither marriage nor a relationship is necessary in order to be happy. I repeat: you don’t need marriage or a relationship to be happy. In fact, that’s putting the cart before the horse. A marriage is only as happy as the total happiness you bring into it. You will not find in marriage a savior who will rescue you from a miserable existence. Not only is going into marriage with that expectation dishonest and incredibly selfish, but you’re using another person as an object as an extension of yourself to cope with your self-esteem. That kind of marriage leads to a deadening feeling of mutual resentment and hatred. If you end up there, you deserve it.
Myth #2: Marriage is comfort.
How about, you go jump off a cliff. Being dead is more comfortable than living. You don’t marry to find comfort. You marry to meet the challenge of having a real relationship. A happy relationship is one of mutual growth. This is why, if you’re going to allow for the possibility of marriage, it is very important to do so with the right person, a person who is better than you in at least some way. Focus on what you want (trust yourself to know it). Don’t worry about the other person’s evaluation of you. If they also find that they’re inspired by you somehow (ah, this is where you need to believe you have something to give, because if you don’t, it’s going to be written all over your face, and people will ignore you), then great. If not, don’t pine over some unrequited love like some stupid child. Grow up and be an adult. It wouldn’t have been a perfect match anyway, because the other person is looking for something else.
Myth #3: If you don’t hurry up and marry, you’ll be alone.
So what. Being alone is not the same as being lonely. If you can’t handle being alone, then you can’t handle a relationship. It means you aren’t okay enough with yourself that you can get over yourself to appreciate another person (yes, low self-esteem and worry is a disease of self-centeredness). It means you’re needy and that you objectify people, probably without realizing it. If you don’t force yourself to get into a relationship, you can focus on living *your* life. Stop looking around for your match. Looking around only blind you with expectations. If that match exists, that person will sooner or later appear. If somethings not quite right, do not, for the love of God, settle! You can’t fool yourself into happiness. The bad only gets worse with time.
Myth #4: You need sex.
Uh, no you don’t. Why would you think you need sex. All you need is air, water, food and shelter. The rest is unnecessary. You may want marriage and you may want sex in that marriage, but we don’t always get what we want, now do we. Stop being a child who can’t bear the thought of not getting the toy it wants. It’s so pathetic and pitiful. Besides, if your marriage sucks, the sex is going to suck. It’s going to be an empty act of hatred and disgust. Even in marriage, sex is not really necessary. It’s a particular expression of love, but it’s love that keeps a marriage going, not the peripheral act of sex.
And let me tell you. Dating is stupid. When two people meet, any two people, it’s a matter of appreciating the other person for who they are. Sometimes that leads to friendship, and sometimes that friendship leads to a fuller relationship. It doesn’t need to lead anywhere, and you can’t tell where it can or should lead if you can’t appreciate the other person as another person. Dating is an unnatural process. It makes the mistake of going about with the baggage of expectations particularly sexual or romantic expectations. How dreadful! What pressure! A real relationship is organic, evolving where it should over time. She’s not a piece of ass, and he’s not a boner ride. They’re human beings. Treat them as such!
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